Monday, July 12, 2010

One-Liners for Shits & Giggles

So a guest is trying to order from the touch-screen, but he can't figure it out. He comes up to the cash register, and I tell him that I can take the order for him. He looks at me and asks:

"Why are you looking at me like I have two heads?"

My guess is that this guy has issues dealing with people, especially eye-contact. So I shift my glance 45 degrees, and repeat that I would happily take his order for him.

"That's a really strange response," he said. "I'm ordering food somewhere else."

It's really refreshing sometimes to meet someone who is aggressively insecure.

Honestly, how is anyone supposed to respond to something like that? This is really a point at which I could use a collection of one-liners that I've been collecting from people I meet here at the hotel; particularly the security guard and one of the other gallery hosts and part-time night auditor. So, here are some one-liners you can use when you don't know what to say.

[Warning - For shits and giggles only - other uses may result in loss of job and/or alienation from mere acquaintances]

1. "Your mom's a hooker."
2. "Do you know that nobody likes you?"
3. "Only after sex."
4. "Do you cry at night?"
5. "Use your fucking brains." (add frustration to taste)
6. "Them's fightin' words."
7. "Do you think your mom's wild in bed?"
8. "It's always the same with you."
9. "I thought we had already moved past this, [Name]."
10. "So you're that guy." or "So you're one of those."
11. "My therapist says you make withdrawals from my self-esteem account to fill your ego balloon." (add pain and self-pity to taste)
12. "It's the thought that counts."
13. "Are you mad at me, [Name]?" (add apathy to taste)

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